On Recognizing My Self As Agressor and Other Not So Pleasant But Ultimately Liberating Thangs

26 Jul

ImageI am exhausted.  Physically.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  And beyond.  It kind of feels good.  Like the end of an epic book, I’m satisfied and a bit resigned. 

It has been a hell of a day.  Week.  Year.  Etc.

I’m new at this blogging thing and I’m not quite sure what to share.  As I work in the gardens I think the blog is about farming, parenting and herbal stuff.  Yet when I’m workin’ some inner shit out, I can’t write.  Even about things that are seemingly unrelated.  Maybe its because I’ve been journaling for 20 years, mostly using my words to explore myself.  I don’t know.  But what I do know is that I’ve been in deep emotional process this past thirty days or so and it has been impossible to write.

But now that I’m completely spent, well, it just feels right.  And so I’ll begin with farming.  I love farming and it is so cool to watch the garden grow!   But also, farming is a whole bunch of ugly words: manifest destiny, dominion, extermination… farming is war.

 I realize that I am the aggressor here.  I go out and tear up the earth, destroying one village of plants so that I can plant a different one, one of MY choosing. 

 On this land, our weeds are incredible.  St. John’s Wort.  Chamomile.  Mint.  Clover.  Purslane.  Lambsquarter.  Dock.  But we pull them out because we’ve decided to grow Melon.  Corn.  Sunflower.  Marigold.  Tulsi.  Tomato. 

This fascinates me.  I can’t remember the exact lessons from my childhood days but I remember learning about Man’s Inhumanity to Man.  I wish I could remember the context because I know there were other levels of Man’s Inhumanity.  (Leave me a comment please, if you know what I’m grasping for here.) But the point here is (and this I swear to you) ever since I heard that sentence, Man’s Inhumanity to… I have been wondering how it’s even possible and where the hell it comes from.  It seems to be my brain’s ultimate puzzle and my heart’s ultimate fracture. 

 And as I displace these powerful medicinal plants that have literally volunteered to grow here, and replace them with plant starts that we’ve had to carefully nurture and shelter (Melon starts?  Fragile!), paradox persists.  I marvel at the complexity of this life.   I think about peace on earth and feel how very far away from this our species has migrated. 

 Yes, growing our own food and medicine is wonderful, an opportunity and a skill.  Its therapeutic and revolutionary and doing our part to reduce our overall carbon footprint.  It is hella satisfying and unpredictably challenging and a great way to tune into our mother planet.  And yes, I know there are tribes that still today live in food forests they’ve co created, harmonious with the cycles of life. 

 And also farming is extermination and displacement of local populations.

 Though it hurts my heart at times, I feel fortunate to view the world from the perspective of a mother.   Mothering is an opportunity to love through service and presence.  To stretch my self in every way to meet the many needs of someone else.  And what really blows my doors is to know this someone did/does that for me too!  (Thanks Mom!)  Every single day, parenthood is a whole pie o’ humble.  

 As I think about everything, from farming to the state of the world, I feel my mother heart.  My natural urge to nurture, to heal, and to work with what I’ve got and make it beautiful.  I dream about the intact tribes and assess the fractures of the rest of us.  I watch us as we struggle to make sense of the results of our collective choices, oh hello Aurora, Colorado!  I distill it all, the entire state of the world, down to a lack of respect for the Mother.  In other words I chalk this whole mess up to misogyny. 

 Our mother planet is the source of our every bite of food, our every sip of water.  She generates the air we breathe, she is the ground we walk on, build on, live on.  But do we thank her?  Do we even know this to be the truth?  Not many folks do anymore.  Instead we live the illusion of separation.  I think our misunderstandings are small yet potent.  Somewhere along the way we developed this idea of environment.  Environment is a concept of separation.  As if nature is this thing over there and not WHO WE ARE.  This leads us to see the earth as something we can use and take from.  I see that we live within the earth.  Earth is above us, below us, surrounding us and sustaining our every little thing.  All the earth does is generate life.  As humans took steps away from living this truth, we chose separation.  The results of living that separation are clear.  We are killing ourselves and we are killing this planet.  (If you think I’m full of shit google Greenland+melting+July 2012 or Record Heat Temperatures+USA+July 2012 or Fukushima+spent fuel rod storage or North Pacific Gyre or Brazil +Belo Monte Dam or Buffalo Field Campaign or… or….)

 So this is a first glimpse into the deep quest I have been engaging.  Time in the field offers great opportunities for reflection and also observation of the natural world. The results of this inner work are true and life lasting gifts.  I feel within me a willingness to face things I fear, ask tough questions, speak true, show my appreciation, move forward in my life with grace, show up fully and accept what is.  Farm life is busy and our days are super full, but I feel a series of blog posts building too.  All seeds in need of planting, stories waiting to be told!  Thanks for your patience with my process and thanks for your interest in it too.  I’m sure at some point I will add my artsy, DIY, and Kitchen Witch spin to all this with how to videos, recipes and the like as per my vision of this whole damn blog.  But as I’m still in the foundational stages it feels important to first offer authentic introduction to who I am and just where you’ve found me on this earth journey unfolding. 

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3 Responses to “On Recognizing My Self As Agressor and Other Not So Pleasant But Ultimately Liberating Thangs”

  1. kiovajoy July 26, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    Humble and real food for thought. Beautiful photos. I too get frustrated by how far from nature we have strayed, manipulating things to our advantage and convenience. May we always strive to take less and leave more. Your commitment to living and mothering in sync with nature is a much needed example. I appreciate and resonate with your frank frustration, too!

  2. Hamsa July 27, 2012 at 7:06 am #

    I feel ya on the whole destroying good edible/medicinal plants to clear space for other plants we prefer to grow there for a time! I’ve discovered I don’t have to completely clear a space, but just enough….and leave the rest to shade the earth, while also keeping away more invasive and less desirable weeds is a good middle ground solution. Keeping the balance of water, light and nutrients in favor of our food plants takes maintenance for sure, but it’s worth it to let all things grow where they sprout!

    • uberherbalmama August 1, 2012 at 6:37 am #

      Yes Hamsa! Truly there is plenty of room for our weeds to grow too! And i never pull out the St. Johns… I just cannot because i love it so!

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