Context

5 Aug

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What a lovely day.  In spite of extreme temperatures, market was bustling and people were buying tea!  Arriving home was a real treat also, because papa and child had just left for a birthday party and so I was ALONE and HOME, a rare and exquisite combo (insert squeal of glee)!

I unpacked the car. I fed myself well and slowly.  I fed our beloved kombucha mama.  I swam in the pond with Baby Girl.  I made salsa from our tomatoes.  I harvested more tomatoes and basil.  They became spaghetti sauce.  BE came home.  We enjoyed a meal together and a sweet bedtime.  Nice nighttime chores surrounded by orange skies and sweet animal friends.  Now the kitchen is clean, the house is quiet and I’m feeling strongly that today has been fabulous!

Oh man it is tempting to simply blog forward from this incredible new life of living on the farm with my family where my life is full and rich.  But it doesn’t feel right because beginning here leaves out a whole shazam-load of recent hard times.  Times that generated potent lessons and times that, as if from quicksand, I am crawling out of.  I’ve been steeping with all this.  I mean, wouldn’t it be great for everyone here to think I have the perfect, happy, most awesome life?!?!?   And, where would I start anyway?  Do I want to be that vulnerable?  Who reads this thing?

2012 for me is about completion.  On new years, I set a firm intention to complete this hardcore, ten-year cycle of the Jacksonville house and Heartsong Chai.  Because of this, I am especially leery of blowing any more words into the story.  But to omit these chapters feels inauthentic because within their pages every aspect of my being has been required to expand in order to move through the crushing grief of my shattered dreams.

Completion.  I am moving through with great progress.  My heart is thawing out and tuning back into passion, joy and satisfaction.  Just when I was beginning to think that perhaps I’d be numb and broken forever… Mercy!  What a relief!  For years I felt as if my inner fire had simply burned out.  Thankfully time and compassion rule, my inner flame is reignited.

So here in this blog I’m going to share about now: my own experience of emergence, our ripe August apples, walls of blackberries and life with BE.  And I’m also going to share about the crashing: closing Heartsong, closing the Chai Hut, bankruptcy, Occupy Graham Street (the house I bought, lost and now squat) and my experience of being both an educated, privileged white girl and an under-employed single mom, simultaneous.

I hope that my stories will inspire you to be compassionate with yourself first and to share your kindness with strangers.  Thank you for being here with me, as witness and confidant, as reader and critic, as super fabulous YOU whose story is as rich, as diverse, as expansive and challenging as my own.

P.S.  I’ve been watching the water lilies very closely and with great fascination.  They rise from the muck, reaching through mud, reaching through water, and once they break the surface they unfurl, brilliant in color, perfect in symmetry, with a scent that is divine.  The pond level rises and the plants reach more.  The pond level sinks and they recoil a bit.  Their lily pads provide shelter for tadpoles becoming frogs before my eyes.  What do these tadpoles know about the legs they are sprouting or the gulps of air they seek?

I am the same as these lilies, working hard to blossom in an unpredictable world.  I am the same as these tadpoles, oblivious to the epic results of my complete transformation.  This I know.

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3 Responses to “Context”

  1. zsa August 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    i ❤ u

  2. shelly August 10, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    liz, i love reading your words, and yes they/you are a motivator- I wonder how you keep moving. Home alone-ah what a treat. I am always in confusion, ok not always because it does not happen that often- do i do something, or sit and listen, drink a cold beer, or clean the barn. Clean the house while the girls are not home to encourage them to do there choirs. Can 3 batches of jam, or just breath. Anyways being a homesteading housewife, homeschooling mom. this little square bit of cyber world has because my social life, and my thinking outside the house tidbit.
    Well I am just rambling and my rambling is not poetic, i love how poetic you are in words and your photos, just wanted to let you know you are a great encouragement with your deep passion in so many different directions. keep on powerful mama

    • uberherbalmama August 10, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

      Thanks Shelly! I love hearing from you! I love the life you have created for yourself and are so boldly giving to your family. Facebook has become my social outlet also and I am so grateful to be connected to so many warrior women like yourself.

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