Plunging Into The Forties

21 Nov

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Here I sit.  Eating some organic, not so local, comfort food (I have a serious weakness for Peruvian green botija olives & for pomegranates) and freaking out about my life.  My 40th year has nearly moved on through and here we are fast approaching the birthday.  MY birthday.  Which brings along with it my real plunge into “The Forties”.

So here comes another soul seeking blog by me.  Perhaps by sharing this I will learn that it is not just me that gets all internal and assessing in the days before and after The Birthday.  I mean, surely I am not alone! (Right???) “My” day is December third, scrunched right in there between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Being early in the month and directly after a holiday, it always sneaks up on me.  It sets in like this. First, in harmony with the season, I get pulled internal and start taking inventory of my self, my successes and my failures, my beliefs about what adult life would be and the reality of what mine is.  Etc. Etc. Then I wonder if I am having some sort of mid life crisis.  And then, bam!  The Birthday.

The best thing about my particular birthday is its proximity to New Year’s because it is kinda cool to have a month to try on my resolutions.  And since I brought those pesky resolutions up, I must admit, I suck at keeping them.  So much that this year’s will be the same as last year’s which were my genius and determined goals for 2010.  This is a bit depressing, but I guess it is a good sign that I still feel strongly about them.  But I am getting ahead of myself here…

The truth of my life to date is this: I wish I knew what I want to be when I grow up!  I’m 41 in a few days and I still don’t know.  And I want to know.  I desperately want to know!  This plays out in an insane way: I admire/envy/am jealous of everyone who does know.  I see a musician and wish I was one.  I see a language translator and wish I was one.  I see a writer.  A traveler.  ANYONE who is making a living doing what they want to be doing and I wish I could be them.  For the past two years I have been questing, suspended in this space, working to transform these feelings and to get a grip!

So many people encouraged me to go back into the Tea business that I did.  I love tea, i know the ins and outs of small scale production and have a bit of infrastructure left from my 9 years self employed with the Heartsong Herbal Brewing Company.  So I have painstakingly created a new tea biz, Uber Herbal.  What I have learned is that the work of the phoenix rising from the ashes is largely emotional and not that easy.  I’m sure that for the phoenix who is clear on their purpose, rising anew is probably a cake walk. That is not me.

In my hard moments I feel so ashamed that my life’s path is not clear to me.  I feel like I have wasted the years I should have been pursuing my dream.  For those of you who knew me when I was running Heartsong and building the Chai Hut, I’m sure you are rolling your eyes at this because at that time I was hella focused and determined, nearly unstoppable.  Nearly.  But instead I failed and now I feel like a fool.  I do my best to rise out of this foolish feeling, I know so many athletes, inventors, entrepreneurs failed countless times before achieving their glory.  But listen, they got back on their horse driven by their passion and my passion is, to say the least, confused.

Since the crash of tea biz 1, I have had the incredibly lovely experience of becoming a mom to distract me from all of the above.  But it is always in the back of my awareness that there will be a next, what the hell will it be and why don’t I know?  Meanwhile watching so many mom friends plug back into the work they were doing before the kid came along OR moving right along to kid number two. To say I admire them is a kindness to me, the truth is I envy them.

I don’t like the feeling of envy.

Since BE will just keep growing up and since we are not having more children, this small child chapter of our family is a short one.  Soon my time will be freed up to flow toward the next big project.  The possibilities are endless, right?  Indeed, I often feel they are lying right at my feet.  In tea biz #2, in our farm, in this regional and vibrant local food movement of the Rogue Valley.  Yet, gosh darn, I am so unclear as to how to bring all of this forward into something powerful, something that thrives.  An offering to the world that I can really be proud of.  Something that will make a difference.  Having a big impact on the world is really important to me and I have been feeling so insignificant for so many years now.

And then sometimes I wonder if it isn’t time to do something else.  Something other than tea, other than food production.  And If this is the case, what would that be?  I do step back and try to imagine myself as other things and I find it a really difficult exercise.  Likely this is the classic symptom of being an entrepreneur.  Sometimes I search the want ads and the internet for work and always I conclude that I am simply unemployable.

So here I sit.  Nibbled olive pits on the table, winds of change howling both outside my window and inside my soul.  I am uncomfortable, yes.  Perhaps I have lost faith in my ability to generate a stable income, to hold a job, in the whole of the American Dream.  But ultimately, I am one happy lady.  I live in incredible freedom and I am ridiculously grateful for my life.  I wake up every day happy.  I am so in love with my parents, my partner, my child, my home.  I am gladly humbled by the opportunity to become a mother.  I am excited for the potential of my future.  And I am grateful!  For the strength of my spirit.  For this incredible time of testing and extending my patience.  For the luxury to quest like this without landing on the streets.  For the strength and health of my body.  For this gorgeous planet that sustains my every breath, my every thing.  It is with all of this, and a renewed commitment to my new year’s resolutions, I hereby plunge on into the forties.  As always, thanks for caring, for cheering me on, for reflecting me to me.  Happy Day of Thankful to you!

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One Response to “Plunging Into The Forties”

  1. sammipants November 28, 2012 at 11:31 pm #

    I love your writing and your vulnerability. And, I really relate to what you are expressing. I am always creating little alternate lives for myself in which my work is different or my town is different. It is hard, I think, to commit to careers when we are creative and inspired by so many different paths and people. My mom says that she thinks we have been damaged by too many choices and that life perhaps was more fulfilling when our path was laid out for us by where we were born and in to what family. I think it might have been easier without so many choices but I refuse to believe that we can’t be fulfilled. No answers here, just more questions and appreciation for you sharing yourself. Thank you.

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